Of broken dreams and ashen hopes



Of broken dreams and ashen hopes, they were living a rented life of prisoners without a prison. He was stuck on the same road of sadness which went through inferiority complex and she… well, she was the pretty damsel in distress found inside the captivity of her boudoir.

But a disruptive heart finds solace in the most un-convenient and prohibited places only. He found her special. He saw the silhouette of a hausfrau, alone, behind the shady window curtains of a high walled villa.  She moved with the lightest of motion, swaying to the symphony of the evening breeze, the allegro of falling leaves, the concerto of birds chirping simultaneously. It was as if she was made of waves and oscillations. Her one piece dress tuned perfectly with her body curves to form a sinusoidal wave. So swift, soft and supple, that even physics took a break to watch her walk and move her lips.

But as much as I (writer) would like to write this story with this delicacy of hand-picked chosen words, this post really isn’t about a love story. It’s about the pain and frustration we all have gone through at some point of time in our life:
Do you remember that horrible morning, when you had to bid Good-bye to your parents on your first school day. I know, I cried like a six year old baby. Well to be fair, I was a six year old baby. That was the first time, I felt the dagger of separation plunged into my heart. Or remember when your best friend in the 5th class got transferred to another city. Or to make it simple, when you lost your cricket ball in bushes or broke your favorite toy or anything. You got the idea, right? 

Now as you grow up, your attachment toward things and people around you increases manifold. And it hurts like a bitch when you lose them. But above all, when you lose that soul in this world which is made up of same electrons, protons or equal matter and space as your soul, the separation becomes unbearable. It’s like anal-sex but only opposite. Go figure.

Anyways, my point is you can always go ahead and buy another cricket ball which exactly looks like the lost one or make other friends who are special in their own unique ways. In fact, if you have an honest heart and transparent feelings you can even find the next right person for you. 

But here’s the real deal. The break-ups are tough. No… no… actually break-ups are easy. It’s the aftermath which is a sour pill to swallow. An ocean of expired memories which holds the abrupt volcanoes and tornadoes of quivering emotions and then the quietness of silent, stoic resignation into the dark of night. What do you do then?

How do you cope up with the fact that you have lost a partner to her narcissism. That the person finds you no more interesting or intriguing. How do you deal with those innocent emotions now, which are left bereft of their grace because of getting used and raped, again and again, just to quench their loneliness? What do you do at the moment when you are crying out loud from your lungs and the person just hangs up on you and blocks you on every social media platform. How do you behave when they straight forwardly tells you that they are happy with someone else now? How do you react when you can see that they just can’t wait for this chapter to end? You were just another adventure trip in their life?

May be there’s no remedy or yoga for this fucked up feeling churning inside your stomach. Maybe it is just a phase you have to go through. Maybe it’ll get better with time. Maybe if I beg enough, she’ll come back. Maybe I should text her now. Whoa! That escalated quickly.

You see, that person is happy with someone else and you have to deal with this fact now. To put things in perspective and looking at it with the angle of logic; You see, a person… a living human is not your property or your dog that you can tie ’em up in your basement till they finally start loving you again. 

Nope that’s not the way. I mean.. yeah sure… it’s entirely different when you objectify ‘em while having sex. You know, those role playing things. “You-are-my-property, You-are-my-slave”. Treating them like an animal or like actually tying them up on bed in the morning while she is asleep just before leaving for office and only to come back home to find her turned into a hot-red-faced-angry-tigress ready to devour you and ‘yours-only’ as whole. That is entirely different.

You stick to the basics: “If you love someone, you let them go.”

I know. It’s not that easy said and done. You cling on. You beg. You cry. You drink and dial. You say mean things. Things that you never meant to say. There’s drama and melancholy. You violently masturbate to a few “happy” memories. You break down under the shower and cry yourself to sleep on the wet bathroom floor.

But trust me. It all ends. One fateful afternoon (or morning if you get up early) you will wake up and realize that the horrible person, who left you, was indeed right to leave you. You are in fact a pathetic little piece of shit. I mean, it took hundred million years of human evolution to produce a loser like you? Come on man. You have been tirelessly fighting a war, that you’ve long lost. Do you feel that void settling in? It is gone mate. It is time to pull your shit together and look in other direction.

So no more stalking their profile. Delete all those text messages. No more texting them on a lonely night when you’re very hormonal and sad. No more calling them when you’re drunk. And the khatarnaak level: No more masturbating to old memories just because you can’t sleep.

Of course you trip several times through this process. You go back to being that pathetic loser again. But ultimately, I promise the nightly sadness and longing trims down to a monthly affair and finally turns into something that you used to do.

Things do get better with time, my friend. May be months or years if you are a sticky one. But eventually every kind of feeling subsides. Everything is equal to zero in the end. No. There is no happily ever after, where you get back together. Stop day dreaming. But yes, there isn’t any hate left there either. You will forever remember her like a docile cloud over your rooftop of house after a rainy night. You will see that smile forming in that cloud which is fading away slowly to the sunlight. But it never really fades away.



*woof woof*


Once upon a time there was a puppy. Little, caged and lonely, puppy often spent days and nights barking, howling, snarling and bellowing. Scared of that boundary wall .. of life ... of unknown.
One day came along a beautiful heart. it smiled and asked mischievously, 'wanna play?'
And then everything changed.
But the heart which lightened everyone else's was itself heavy. Perhaps in need of innocence and hope.
First it was awkward. But slowly they grew into each other. Days were now spent jumping, rolling, frolicking, dancing. And nights spent in atrocious waiting for the dawn, for the heart to come back.
Yet, they didn't know, if they were meant for each other. Only that, puppy was in complete awe of the pumping kennel.
So puppy tried every now and then to frisk away from the cage. But the cage echoed loud cries of emptiness. Puppy had to settle back and stay put. Puppy was afraid.
Then one fine morning, the cute little puppy asked the heart, 'can you take me away somewhere far?'
Heart started to bleed in happiness just like people shed tears of joy. That's what heart wanted after all.

From that day onward, the puppy is staying in the cardiac kennel.
It's small, but it's cozy. It stinks, but it's bright. It's quiet but it's lively. It beats hard, but it's rhythmic. It bleeds a lot because it feels everything, perhaps because that's how life in heart is happy.
And so is that cute little puppy too .... :)


Dear Caesar



If you had any idea how many times I’ve tried to write this letter for over two months, you’d wonder why I wasted so many mournful moments banging fingers on this poor keyboard and didn’t spend that time doing something more productive – like napping on the bed with legs hanging in the air or bark from the balcony for whatever reason or hoovering a radius around someone whose eating something .... like ANYTHING. After all, that’s what you’d have done.
But I’m a dufus human. And supposedly as an intellectual human being full of corrupted virtues and feelings, I have this soul wrenching need to put my thoughts and feelings on paper in form of the words to emit out to the universe. I guess, barking non-stop for straight two hours could have done the magic but neither I can match the anxiety you feel on separation nor my fellow humans would like it, at all.
So here I am. Saying a proper goodbye. It's not forever. It shouldn't be. Nor, do I want it to be:
You know, I have always wondered, what good things I might have done in my previous life to have you as a blessing in this one. As I go on to wake up alone and spend days without you, I’ve been trying real hard to learn more lessons about “happy-go-jolly-living” from more evolved creatures, like you guyz (dogs). Mostly from the streets now.
Do you remember that first time, when I picked you up in my arms like you are some sort of fragile wax form and brought you home on the back of the bike. You melted right into me like you knew it’s where you belonged or I guess you were just scared and hungry, I don't know. But, of course, you were. Gloomy-eyed, dumb founded and paralyzed with fear. You knew nothing of the world except life in a cage.
Remember those first months after we met? You learned that some of us (especially ones with food) aren't really all that bad. The way you slept some early nights, hiding your head, trying to be smaller than you already were. The way you finally figured out that the whole flat belongs to you too, but only after pissing on my bed for like oodles of time. (BTW I am sorry for snapping at you like that in those moments. I told you, I am a stupid stupid human.)
Slowly, I have watched you blossom into the dog you were meant to be – taking just a few more steps outside your comfort zone, becoming more confident and curious, tail just a little higher, Oh, and of course – that ridiculous tongue flapping all the time.
I got to see your first (of countless) moments of true happiness: biting, slurping and licking my fingers! Always in that sequence.
Among many things, I have learned from you is that joy is a full-body expression! The way your entire body spin like a teetotum when you are happy – which is like every-fcukin-single-day!
You have been a forever happy, forever kind, forever gentle dog. Except that one time when a peacock flew into our flat, and you were like barking, "ONLY IF I COULD FLY". I knew that look! I understood, man. I understood.
*Sighs*
I miss you, seezy !
I miss the way you bow every time, I put my head near yours. I miss your furious interactions with other dogs, especially bitches. (Remember that encounter with Apple. I guess we are brothers in that department, huh! Just don't know how to behave with 'em)
What more can I say. I miss your familiar jagged little sigh in the darkness at bedtime, your compulsive obsession (or as I like to call it, deep appreciation) with food:
"What is this, pedigree? Awwwwwesome! What is this, Egg-sses? AWESOME! What is this, grass? AMAZINGGG!"
Pikachu (that's what I wanted to name you first), my heart squeezes to the idea of you not being in my life anymore. But to trade the tears for never having experienced these things at all? Not a chance. We had some good adventures in our time, didn’t we?
And today, as I saw you after two whole months, I couldn't help my eyes going wet and throat a little dry, as you recognized me from a distance. But you made me laugh with all your slurping and canoodling. You are the funniest dog I have ever met. And saying that speaks a lot, coz before you I was terrified, petrified and ignorant to your specie.
I hope someday my reluctant specie will realize just how lucky we are to share the same planet with you all.
PS: And your last meal with me. I poured some some extra eggs in your bowel. It will be our little secret, dont bark and tell Prashant, Abijit.
PPS: I specifically remember this coz I told you, I have been stuck at this for last two months. And I still feel its ....



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