Left alone !
So
today I woke up with a weird feeling that I am really a ‘loner’ and I am going
to remain like this forever. Now why did I feel like this ? Oh! Because of what
happened yesterday.
I
found my long lost childhood friend, thanks to Facebook. He was my neighbor,
classmate and we were friends till 3rd/4th class when his
father was transferred and he had to move away to a new city. It was nice to be
in touch with him again. We started talking about how we were back in those
days. He told me a lot of things about what we used to do together, most of
which I didn’t remember (I felt bad). I was wondering that he remembered every
tiny little detail which made me feel worse.
So
we were talking for about half an hour and then as usual there comes a pause
(awkward sometimes) in every conversation where you don’t have anything to say
and then I don’t know if it’s weird or kind of sweet but out of nowhere he
said, “I love you” and I was like …………………..what should I say – I love you too
or I like you or ……………... I was out of proper words and so just to make him
feel good and to avoid the awkward silence I said “Same here”. I hope that’s
not Gayish and my roommates are not reading this because then it will give them
another good reason to call me gay (It’s a long story).
Anyways,
after that he asked me about my family, I replied and then I said “okay, I
gotta go“. I don’t know why I did that. He was being nice to me. Obviously he
didn’t mean it in that way (I hope not), but I just shut him down. Now this was
not because he is a guy, because there were also two other sweet girls with
whom I did the same thing. The first one was my phone-friend who started liking me and after going-on for a while I did the same thing and with the second
one, I even dated her for couple of times(Again a long story, some other time ) and I always tried to ignore her.
I
don’t know, what is my problem? Why I shut down people when they get close to
me. What is this thing/phobia with me?
There are some people who have given big contributions to my
life, they are the big pieces of my almost-complete life. I never thought that
I would ever realize that they are actually amazing people. And all this time,
I never realized that I'd let them go away and yet keep letting another ones go
away out of my life, one by one. I have some people whom I never contact
anymore. I don’t know where they live, I don't have their facebooks, they have
changed their phone numbers, I don't follow their twitter, totally lost them.
And today morning, I felt so stupid for letting them disappear from my life.
And now I want to change things, I want to try to contact them, I just don't
know how.
See, there are some parts of our lives that we are going to
lose. People we know are going to disappear and live their own lives without
us, without you, without me. Everything is bound to change and so I think that
maybe all we need to do is to love people we have in our lives right now,
people who still say ‘hey’ to us, even though not every day, people who still
smile at us when we see each other, people who still care about us and say “I
love you”. Maybe all we have to do is to tell them back that we love them too
and we don’t want them to disappear from our lives, because we don’t want to
regret for being so stupid to lose them, because we don’t want to miss them
terribly, because we don’t want to wake up in the morning, feeling left alone.
