Religion - The pain in the wrong place
I hate festivals. There….. I
said it. And now I can imagine you all giving me that infamous
‘saas-bahu-serial-SHOCKED-wala-reaction’. You know where a particular shocking
expression of some hausfrau is repeated like 100 times from all the 360 angles with
Taabad-tod music score in the background. But… but before you go all sanctimonious-judgy
on me, just hear me out!
It all starts with “The Religion”.
When one man does stupid things, its called stupidity; when millions do stupid
things, its called religion. Yup stupdity. I tell you, religion’s a huge throbbing
pain in the wrong place. I mean even if you choose to ignore all the hatred, the
riots and going bat-crap crazy to blow up innocent humans. Every time people
gather to celebrate some old-ass tradition or some hula-hoops festival, every
other thing gets messed up.
Allow me to explain.
Let’s start with the “Kaanwar
Yatra”, shall we? So where should I start? Okay let me tell you a bit about
this Yatra. Apparently it is some sort of a build up for MahaShivratri where people
in Fanta-colored clothes with decorative stuffs walk by in ants-formation to
get the ganga-water. Now in one year of my pathetic existence back in Haridwar,
I once got stuck in a traffic jam for over 3 hours because of this. I tell you the
road was traffucked worse than that chakka-jam scene from ‘Nayak’. Now I don’t
have anything against celebrating and doing stuff like walking 387654321 miles out
of devotion for a bowl full of water. But man, three hours of traffic cluster-fuck
was slower and frustrating than the IRCTC website on Vodafone 3G. Really, DaFaq
man!
Let me not even get started
with JAGRATAS. People in my neighborhood get all cranky if I play ‘Pink-Floyd’
a bit loud coz apparently it is not “music” and apparently there are some “old
people on ventilators” who will just stop breathing with a single extra decibel
sound. And yet they don’t blink their eyes twice before organizing a DJ Jagrata
in the middle of the road blocking all kind of traffic. And then on top of it they
go on playing all kind of crappy Mata remix of chutiya Bollywood songs aaaaall-night-looooong.
You want to cross the road? Well boo-hoo! You can’t! Coz ugly-bald uncles and fat
aunties are busy SCREAMING songs in falsetto with their lungs out. I mean,
Mata-Rani is not deaf, you know. She will hear you even if you whisper the
songs.
Now you might think that you
know all about Holi, that there is to know about. But let me give you a news
flash, my brada. It’s not what you think it is. I have read this somewhere in
Vedas annotated by ‘Maharishi Makuna Hatata’ that Holi is originally derived
from a Sanskrit word named ‘Asshole’ which means “Yoooo-Hooooo-I’ma-gonna-put-gulaal-in-your-mouth-Yo!,-Rip-off-your-shirt-Yo!-and-guess-what?-put-hideous-Terminator-wala-silver-paint-on-your-body-Yo!.-Now-quit-whining-like-a-baby-about-allergies,-and-be-SPARTAAAA!”.
Yup, Holi is the most playful form of molestation and sexual assault, found in
India. Holi somehow also means getting hit by eggs and water balloons and gobar
by random drunk guys in cars and bikes that proclaim their OBC affiliation.
And at last but not the least, the
king of all festivals. Nothing brings out the terrorist-aspirations in children
and adults alike, like Diwali. You need to watch where you walk because you
might just step into a Nazi bomb. Or you might get surprise-buttseksed by a
random-ass rocket. And by the end of the evening if you still haven’t gone
deaf, it will be taken care of by more Jagratas and Mata remixes.
So if you have read till here,
I would like you to thank you for not bursting into a firecracker. But if you
are one of those who insist on scaring the neighborhood dog just to impress the
girl next door, I have one advice for you. Light one rocket up your behind and
see the city with clouds from above. I am pretty sure you will find that it
looks pretty without all the smoke and noise.
PS: Maybe religion is Gods typo.
PPS: I don’t know who this ‘Maharishi Makuna Hatata’ is but
I’ve heard he is like awesome and intelligent and other things.