The Complicated Relationship



If it’s not the most taboo subject in the modern India, it is most certainly frowned upon and considered as an utterly uncomfortable and useless topic to talk about. So for the sake of creating a new fuss and bombarding my boredness with a fresh set of puns, here goes my yet another irrelevant and censored blog post about:

Problems men have from ‘untimely erections’ or as you might have heard ‘man wood’ or ‘involuntary standing ovation’ by your honour Mr. John Pee-Pee.

Now the way we go about sex education in this country is appalling. I mean, until about I was 13, I was convinced that my ‘garden of good and evil’ (balls) is used to store pee. You can imagine what kind of other impending issues I might have with Mr Pee-Pee.

I mean, this has to be the most complicated relationship a guy will ever have. You might have heard them saying …. “oh… I have a very “complicated” relationship with her/him”. Well obviously, they haven’t tried peeing with an erection.

Talking about sex education and women always yelping about their period problems, well I surveyed 100 women and asked them what kind of problems they face while peeing and you won’t eberrr believe, 98 of them said: "How the hell did you get in here?"

Anyways let’s keep this discussion about men problems only.

So what’s with it showing ‘up’ for work, without invitation, every-single-morning when you wake up, huh! I mean you haven’t activated any launch sequence and yet the rocket is ready to burst into flames trying to come out of the ‘Pajama-Hemisphere’. And I think I don’t even need to tell you how awkward and un-comfortable it is to hold on to your thing for 5 minutes (or more) on the bed, before you can take a piss, doing all kinds of breathing exercise to get the blood flow out of it.

I tell you, this one time, the bad-ass-stubborn I am, I tried to pee regardless of how colossus this Goliath-Python was looking ‘above’ from the ginormous hippie bush I have supported, at me angrily ‘all-red’. But I showed him no mercy, I went into the bathroom, stood above the iron throne, looked down and I peed so freakin hard. But, as you might imagine, evidently, that upward-parabolic-stream short-circuited the bulb hanging above in the bathroom. Go figure.

So next time if you're having trouble making the ‘wee-wacky’ because of the ‘woo-hoo’, just stay put and admire this behemoth creature and give him his due respect, that he obviously so desperately craves for.

*rolls eyes*
Aghhh !


PS: If tying a Nimbu Mirchi helps ward off evil. I think men should never have to suffer from any evil. I am jusst saying.


Religion - The pain in the wrong place




I hate festivals. There….. I said it. And now I can imagine you all giving me that infamous ‘saas-bahu-serial-SHOCKED-wala-reaction’. You know where a particular shocking expression of some hausfrau is repeated like 100 times from all the 360 angles with Taabad-tod music score in the background. But… but before you go all sanctimonious-judgy on me, just hear me out!

It all starts with “The Religion”. When one man does stupid things, its called stupidity; when millions do stupid things, its called religion. Yup stupdity. I tell you, religion’s a huge throbbing pain in the wrong place. I mean even if you choose to ignore all the hatred, the riots and going bat-crap crazy to blow up innocent humans. Every time people gather to celebrate some old-ass tradition or some hula-hoops festival, every other thing gets messed up.

Allow me to explain.

Let’s start with the “Kaanwar Yatra”, shall we? So where should I start? Okay let me tell you a bit about this Yatra. Apparently it is some sort of a build up for MahaShivratri where people in Fanta-colored clothes with decorative stuffs walk by in ants-formation to get the ganga-water. Now in one year of my pathetic existence back in Haridwar, I once got stuck in a traffic jam for over 3 hours because of this. I tell you the road was traffucked worse than that chakka-jam scene from ‘Nayak’. Now I don’t have anything against celebrating and doing stuff like walking 387654321 miles out of devotion for a bowl full of water. But man, three hours of traffic cluster-fuck was slower and frustrating than the IRCTC website on Vodafone 3G. Really, DaFaq man!

Let me not even get started with JAGRATAS. People in my neighborhood get all cranky if I play ‘Pink-Floyd’ a bit loud coz apparently it is not “music” and apparently there are some “old people on ventilators” who will just stop breathing with a single extra decibel sound. And yet they don’t blink their eyes twice before organizing a DJ Jagrata in the middle of the road blocking all kind of traffic. And then on top of it they go on playing all kind of crappy Mata remix of chutiya Bollywood songs aaaaall-night-looooong. You want to cross the road? Well boo-hoo! You can’t! Coz ugly-bald uncles and fat aunties are busy SCREAMING songs in falsetto with their lungs out. I mean, Mata-Rani is not deaf, you know. She will hear you even if you whisper the songs.

Now you might think that you know all about Holi, that there is to know about. But let me give you a news flash, my brada. It’s not what you think it is. I have read this somewhere in Vedas annotated by ‘Maharishi Makuna Hatata’ that Holi is originally derived from a Sanskrit word named ‘Asshole’ which means “Yoooo-Hooooo-I’ma-gonna-put-gulaal-in-your-mouth-Yo!,-Rip-off-your-shirt-Yo!-and-guess-what?-put-hideous-Terminator-wala-silver-paint-on-your-body-Yo!.-Now-quit-whining-like-a-baby-about-allergies,-and-be-SPARTAAAA!”. Yup, Holi is the most playful form of molestation and sexual assault, found in India. Holi somehow also means getting hit by eggs and water balloons and gobar by random drunk guys in cars and bikes that proclaim their OBC affiliation.

And at last but not the least, the king of all festivals. Nothing brings out the terrorist-aspirations in children and adults alike, like Diwali. You need to watch where you walk because you might just step into a Nazi bomb. Or you might get surprise-buttseksed by a random-ass rocket. And by the end of the evening if you still haven’t gone deaf, it will be taken care of by more Jagratas and Mata remixes.

So if you have read till here, I would like you to thank you for not bursting into a firecracker. But if you are one of those who insist on scaring the neighborhood dog just to impress the girl next door, I have one advice for you. Light one rocket up your behind and see the city with clouds from above. I am pretty sure you will find that it looks pretty without all the smoke and noise.

PS: Maybe religion is Gods typo.
PPS: I don’t know who this ‘Maharishi Makuna Hatata’ is but I’ve heard he is like awesome and intelligent and other things.


Harry Potter in a Parallel World


Once upon a time there was a little boy. His name was Harry. He lived at ‘number four of Privet Drive’ with his parents, James and Lily. The boy was small and skinny for his age. He had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, and bright green eyes. He wore round glasses and looked like a normal kid. But he was not. To be very frank, he was a bit peculiar. Always lost in his colorful world of dreams and imagination.

Harry did not like the other kids. Mainly because he could not mingle with them and the fact, that they bullied him. You see, he had hard time speaking properly. He would with great difficulty string together words. Mostly though, he let out low rasps, was a desperate attempt to talk. So the other kids made fun of him. They called his raspy voice ‘The Snake Language’. Harry did not like the other kids at all.

So instead of playing with other kids, he would spend his time looking for ‘hidden doors and secret passages’ in old walls or chimney. And when he was not busy being Sherlock Holmes, he would sit by the window of his room observing a ‘tabby cat on the brick wall’. As time flew by, he grew lonelier and lonelier. Often he used to escape his room and hide ‘under the stairs’. He liked the compact dark place.

“He is special in his own ways”.

That’s what his parents would tell everybody. But deep down they were worried about him. And a horrific episode made things worse.

One night it was raining and thundering. A thief infiltrated their home. The masked thief got down to his business straight away. Little did he anticipate that Harry would see his silhouette on the wall! Out of the fear of monster, Harry started crying out loud. The masked thief didn't know what to do. And in the chaos he hit him hard with his torch. But James and Lily had already heard the cry. They rushed into Harry’s room and witnessed the horror. James did not need a moment’s hesitation to get on with the masked man to save his family. It was a gory tussle. Guns got out, there was blood everywhere and then it was silence. Finally ‘you know who’ was dead.

They were all safe now but the little boy was not same after that incident. Harry had a severe head injury and it had left him with ‘a scar on his forehead’. The trauma of his worst nightmare coming true, leading to all the gun-shots and the blood, caused him to loose his mind and a memory lapse. Inside his head, he had killed the ‘nose-less monster’ (masked man) but lost his parents in all the firing and blood. The last memory of him about that incident was ‘a blinding flash of green light (torch) and a burning pain on his forehead.’
Although James and Lily did everything they could, to make him remember back his memory. But he didn’t remember anything at all.

“Who are these people?” he would often wonder.

They loved him with all their heart. They bought him all sorts of toys and games. But he thought these toys were probably for their other son.
He was their only child.

He grew lonelier and stranger day by day. To encounter all the loneliness, his mind started imagining things which were not there. He was even violent now. He started throwing things at others. And hurt the neighborhood kids who bullied him earlier. Harry didn't know this though. He would see these things happening on their own. Almost like magic.

James and Lily were sad. Their efforts were failing. First, gently they tried talking Harry into not doing all these things. But when he wouldn't stop, they had to ground him and punish him for his misdeeds. They never wanted any of this. James and Lily were very sad.

But how could Harry make them understand that he is not the one doing all these things. No one understood him. He missed his dead parents now more than ever. He hated living with these distant relatives now. He wanted to run away. He felt suffocating. And the more he felt suffocating, the more things started to get out of control.

James and Lily started getting a lot of complaints now. Almost in every mail letter, issues about Harry were addressed. James tried to hide all the complaint letters from the Harry. 

They didn't want him to get more upset. But when the letters wouldn't stop coming, they finally thought best to go out for a vacation. Somewhere far-far away in some ‘blah island’.

But they knew this wasn't a permanent solution. So they consulted Dr. Albus, a famous psychiatrist, about his behavior. Dr. Albus, in his wisdom, then advised them to admit him to the ‘Hogwarts Institute for the Mentally Challenged’, so that he can be treated.

It was a very hard decision for them. Lily was devastated. But it had to be done. They celebrated his 10th birthday. And the next day institute’s Mr. Hagrid came to pick him up. Hagrid empathized with the poor couple and he was very kind to Harry.

“Come on Harry, it’s time to go.” said Hagrid with warmth in his eyes.

Harry was finally going to escape this place. He was going to a Magic school. That’s what the huge man told him. He was a wizard. Harry couldn't have been happier.





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