coz dil is perfect: 2012

Searching for the One

Kennedy once said: "Ask not where, when and with whom I will find love, ask instead where, when and with whom can I be love?"

LOVE! As soon as we hear this word, it tends to invoke the ideas of 'Romance', finding your 'soul mate', being with your 'lover', wedding bells, raising families and for some sadly it's the 'broken heart'. It’s probably safe to say that most of us intuitively know that love is both a selfless intention and benevolent action towards another. Deep in our hearts we know it’s an unconditional act. And yet, many find themselves worrying and even obsessing about, “When will I find/get ‘MY’ true love? Why has no one shown up to love ME? Why don’t you love ME anymore?.” Is this love talking or simply a selfish desire to be treasured and comforted by another.

This search for love also indicates that we have probably missed the deepest meaning of love. To want, to desire, to crave to be loved is to forget love is not acquired, it is something that we are here to do. How powerful is the societal myth that says love is a primary need of all humans beings? It’s an idea that seeps into our soul and induces sorrow when our need is seemingly unfulfilled. Little do we realize that freedom from all our sorrows, sufferings and sadness-es can only happen when we awaken to the truth about love - we don’t need to get it, we need to give it.

It’s only when ‘being’ is translated into ‘doing’, into action, free of the desire for something in return, that love can be fully known. Paradoxically it is in such actions, such moments, that we naturally free ourselves from ‘the need’ to find and know love. In such moments love needs no meaning, no definition, not even it’s own special poetry! We are it! You are it!

Now I hear many of you saying under your nose: What then of mating? What then of the grand search for our ‘soul mate’, for our one special love? It does seem that if you really want one you can have one! Love is also the primary energy of creativity. Sit down and profile what you want in another, the kind of person you would like to be with, and they will likely show up...eventually. The law of attraction is as much about manifestation as it is attraction. And if you still feel there is only one special person meant just for you, they will also likely arrive...eventually! While searching for the one, remember you are going to find, well, things that you would have never ever expected in your wildest dreams. But hey! at the end of the day, keep this in mind: if you continue walking, that special one, that other person is also walking towards you. Careful however, because if you are distracted in the moments when they do show up in front of you, then you may miss them! And what distracts us? Our attachments and dependencies, our desires and our addictions! But anyways KEEP WALKING!

P.S: Be careful, what you wish for. You might actually get it :)

P.P.S: Be careful what you wish for. It's going to suck when you don't get it. :D

Drunk in love

So back again on the rooftop. There are no clouds and no stars tonight. The sky tonight is clean like a road. But you are not alone. You are drinking vodka, laughing, and shouting crazy things with your friends. You are happy that your buddies are with you tonight. But what is this thing inside your heart that is tingling. You are on the 7^th sky, singing romantic songs in falsetto. Your friends don’t know why you have suddenly come up with the idea to get drunk tonight. But there is a rush of emotions inside you that you are not capable of holding it anymore. You are finally over with your unrequited love, just to fall back in love with someone else again. Aaaa is it too soon to call it love? You don’t know what it is.

Whenever she is around, you feel immense happiness and an unknown tension, both at the same time, building up…Inside. You feel absolutely wonderful and fulfilling like you are overflowing with this joy and don’t know how to contain it anymore. As soon as you see her, there comes a smile on your face automatically. You can’t stop yourself smiling when you are around her. Every other person becomes blurring. You can’t help yourself to stop staring at her … to look at that sweet face … that sweet smile which can redefine the sweetness.

There is a sense of tension and joy which tickles you from inside and leaves you vulnerable…Outside. You want to get away from her because you don’t want to let her know what’s in your mind. But at the same time you don’t wanna go away. You want to listen to her beautiful and sweet voice. You want to observe her lips singing. You want to see them twist into a smile. Yes…a smile. You know you can watch that smile lingering on her face for eternity. And in those moments you wish if you could tell her that “When you smile … Sala Akkha life Mast Lagney Lagta Hai, time slow motion mein chalney lagta hai, hazaroon sher dimaag mein dhoom machaney lagtey hain.”. But … but you keep mum in front of her. You are too scared to lose her…even if you haven’t got her yet.

You are not sure if its love or just an infatuation. You don’t know what these feelings are. Do you really want to name these feelings? Feelings …. Feelings from anonymity to acquaintance to friendship to L…you blush when you start typing those words. You stop typing when you become aware of that tingle in your heart…yes a tingle does the job…your heart start pumping harder whenever someone mentions her name in front of you…your ears get raised up…you suddenly wake up from a dream.

Dreams… Aaah! J Dreams are the most fascinating and wonderful things in this world. In your dreams you have built up a vivid image of her in your mind. You place her on a pedestal so high that you doubt even the angels would touch her (if they dared to reach high enough!!!). She… in your mind’s eye is perfect… yet so imperfect that she fit somehow perfectly with you.

Man! Are you in love? Or are you still drunk from last night? Aaaaan, I guess you are just DRUNK IN LOVE.

Teri Har Ada ke Kayal Hain Ham,

Teer Laga Pehli Nazar ….Aur Tab Sey Ghayal Hain Ham
- not mine

Love: Unreturned and Incomplete

Standing on the ledge of hostel’s rooftop it’s all quiet up here. There is no glittering moon, or the stars. The sky is swelled by the thundering clouds. This has always been my spot, away from everyone in solitude, where I can be all by myself and be as I like to be. But I don't know why it is as such, that the way it used to lighten up the mood is not same anymore. Everything has changed. Time has passed. I never thought it would fly that fast. It’s been a year now but it still feels like yesterday when writing Shayaris, bunking classes & waiting for her to be online (while listening to some songs like ‘Dil Ibadat’, ‘Tere Mast-Mast Do Nain’, ‘Top of world’etc. etc.) were the only activities which kept me busy all day. It was nice to have someone around, whom I could trust and can talk about anything.

I still remember every moment I spent talking to her. From teasing to cracking silly jokes, listening to her nonsense and talking nonsense back, I never knew when she had carved a space in my heart. We shared poems, even discussed technical subjects or deep philosophies for long hours… and when the verses had ceased to flow and there was nothing left to talk about, we just flirted. It was nothing serious to begin with, but looking back now, I miss those moments every day.

Since then many things have changed. This wasn’t a No String Attached situation. There was more complexity than I could anticipate. Something I hadn’t given a thought. Scars left at that point of time have deepened, countless tears have been shed. Her laughter still echoes; her smile still lights up the dark corners of my heart. I think about her and remember her lines “Yaar! Hamara to Make up se pehle hi Break up ho gaya!” Sometimes when I lay awake in my bed in the midst of the night it feels terrible to know that I will not be able to be with her ever. In such moments of anguish, I repeatedly dial her number; only to disconnect before it starts ringing. It hurts a lot not being able to talk to her. It hurts to lose a good friend like her. Most of all, it kills me inside as I struggle to cope with the depths of my loneliness.

Can you imagine the heaviness in your heart if you were to walk along a dark road with the rain thrusting heavily against your body as you cried? You shed tears for her; every droplet of it longing for her; for her well-being. You pen down many a Shayaris as memoir to her love. Your friends praise you for it; trying to comfort you, trying to cheer you up, but you remain completely empty inside. Battling the pangs of separation, as you replay the conversation you had with her, you wish if it could be changed. You wish if the situation could have been different. At that very moment you yearn just to be with her… hold her hands or watch her stroke away the curls from her eyes. God, you want to hold her, hug her with all your love, and never let go. But then, like a sudden bolt from the heavens, it strikes you that it’s not going to happen. Dreams, fantasy and imagination never translate to reality.

You stand there on the wet concrete, feeling the hardness of the rain against your body while it soaks through every inch of you hushing into your consciousness; you wonder if she loves you back even the smallest fraction of the love you have for her.

She might have moved on in her life, and this might have been just another case of one-sided, unrequited love. But she will always have a special place in my heart. She was the one who made my Shayaris come to life. She is the one who made possible the transformation of a nascent poet, buried somewhere inside me, into the Shayar that I am now. Whenever I will look back in time, revisiting those wonderful moments in my solitude, I will remember her as the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Back to the rooftop, I am still standing here all alone; while the cold breeze caresses my body, while the world outside is buried in cold slumber. It seems I am the only unhappy soul on this earth. Looking up at the night-sky, I see a flash of lightning, followed by the roar of thunder. And in these moments, I can feel the rush of a thousand heartbreaks as I breathe heavily with the realization of a love unreturned and incomplete.

Dil Ka Har Kona Ab Viraan Hua Pada Hai

Teri Umeed Thi Jo Hasa-Khela Karti Thi !!

Painting Credits: Amrita Sengupta

The Dark Hours

Hell no!! Not again. It’s well past midnight and yet sleep continues to elude me. All I can do is lie awake restlessly on bed. My roomies are comfortably asleep and I wonder why I can’t. Tick-Tock tick-tock. The clock ticks like it’s mocking me and time passes by me as I continuously turn sides on my bed. And then there comes the train of thoughts. The race from one thought to another never seems to stop.

Sometimes it’s so much chaos inside me that I just want to get out of my mind. I wonder how it must feel to be free from all these thoughts, to be free from why, what, when and how; to keep distance from all this crap that creeps into my mind. Many a times these thoughts turn rampant, raising stupendous sandstorms that seem to roll me upside down from within. I can’t even close my eyes because I am afraid that I might get lost in the clash of these thoughts. I wish there were some kind of STOP button for this. Life would be bed of roses!!!

But you can’t do anything about it. The more you keep running away from it, the more it irritates you. You can just be a mere spectator of these thoughts; the thoughts which are always either about past (regretting about it) or future (worrying about it). Your heart wants to cry out loud. It wants to break out of the moth that has wrapped it completely. You want this anarchy to stop.

So desperately I plug in the headphone and turn on some hardcore metal songs, just to outdo the thoughts (give me a fucking break man!!). The song plays. My subconscious mind chants the lyrics. But damn it!! The thoughts won’t go away.

Sometimes it suffocates. I feel the stiffness. I feel as if I am packed inside like sardines. I won’t be able to withstand it for long. I feel like running away from the room. Run away from my fucking life!! I want to break free far away from all this agitation, this restlessness. Does that mean I need to commit suicide? No way!! That would cause more problem than solve any.

One must be thinking one can easily escape, that one can throw out these thoughts just like thrash from the Recycle Bin. One click and it’s gone!!! But my friend Life on the contrary is not that simple. Whatever you try to do, wherever you try to escape; it comes back to you and sits on the most highlighted area of your conscience. One moment it’s all gone and you think it’s all over, but one second later as you turn around it surprises you with it’s even more wraithlike image.

You start trembling and are scared of this pitfall where you are tossed. And in these darkest hours of yours, all you are left with is a shudder, numbness & a dark blank unknown place where you wish you had never fallen to!!!

So you decide to fight back. You want to get out of this trap. But the Catch-22 is that it’s your own mind; your own mind has entrapped you. You have to fight with a part of yourself. So you fight anyway and you fight like a bull, but alas! There comes the moment when there is not enough fight left in you.

You feel weak and broken. You just want to lean on someone. Someone who can hold you, hug you; someone who will tell you that it’s all going to be okay while caressing your hairs as you lay your head on those heartening shoulders. Someone who will make you laugh with some silly jokes when tears start to roll down your face. But there’s no one here. You are all alone walking along a never ending road.

So you turn your face into the wind, hoping with everything inside you that it will not only blow any trace of the tears from your face, but blow away this feeling of restlessness… blow away the feelings and emotions that caused those tears to be there in the first place.

Unfortunately, the pain inside you overrides the strength of the winds and all you are left with is more tears. More tears and the knowledge that there’s no one to wipe your tears. It’s only you and your loneliness. So you force a smile on your face and just like that you walk away from everything but the restlessness.

"Khush Dikhta Hoon Main Agar , To In Alfaazon Mein Ye Dard Kaisa

Chup-Chaap Rehta Hoon Main Agar, To Ye Dil Mein Macha Shor Kaisa“

Love? What is it really?

So the day of red color is over now. It’s time to figure out whether we know what really love is? People, nowadays, don't know the meaning of love, don't understand what is unconditional love, don't care or don't know how to care other, forgotten the meaning of relationships. People want a relationship in their life, just for the sake of being committed and not feel being left alone or stand out. Some are too depressed to live a single life. There are even some people also who want a girl/boy in their life, just because they wish to say, "Yes, I have a girlfriend/boyfriend too".

This is so desperate and depressing. Why can’t people wait for their Mr. / Mrs. Right. Has this world become so fake and farce that people are ready to pretend that they are in love with somebody when in fact they don’t even care about them. Is this the part of evolution? I just worry sometimes that people will actually forget what it really is to be in love. What is that feeling where you wait for 1-2 hours just for someone to show-up. What is that feeling where you wake up with the cute good morning messages and reading them brings a joyous smile on your face. Don’t we want somebody who makes us chuckle through our nonsensical fits of anger and our crazy bouts of stupidity and silliness. Do we really want to live life with someone who doesn’t even know when we are happy and when we are sad. I think that being single is a hundred times better than being with a wrong person.

Now there are some people also who really wish to experience the magic, the beauty, the thrill of being in love. That feeling when you know that somebody out there is all yours. He/she is your day, your night, your everything.Now this is cool. But the problem they don't know is that when they fall in love with somebody and are in a relationship, they get caught in the web of emotional dependency – feeling high to see the love of their life, down in dumps when their love forgets to call back; day is made if their love pays a compliment, all is dark and dreary, if their love doesn't living life from one phone call to another! I mean what is up with all these expectations.

Now I am hearing some of you saying that Love without expectations exists only in poems and spirituality. In the real world, it's only a myth. And yes we expect love and expect in love. That gives life to the relationship and provides those beautiful moments (surprises and disappointments alike) that define us. But I think there must be a limit. Expectations like any other emotion should not exceed a certain limit or else they will gobble up the relation.

And last but not the least I just want to say that:

Yes we are human, and these things are a part and parcel of life. But there's a reason why the saintly preach. So stop banking on other humans for your well being – be it emotional or physical. Be patient and don’t be such a loser.

P.S: I am no expert on love and all and so I tried to cover this post with only the things which I have observed and which I think are definitely not love.

Kash Kabhi Aisa Ho Jaye

काश कभी ऐसा हो जाए

रिमझिम रिमझिम बारिश हो, ठंडी हवा के झोंके हो

धीमा धीमा सा प्रकाश और हरयाली के चेहरे हो

काश कभी ऐसा हो

गरम शौल में लिपटे सा, हाथ में गरम प्याला हो

खिड़की के एक कोने से दूर कहीं कुछ दीखता हो

सहमा सा पानी में चलके, पास कोई आता हो

और हर गुज़रता पल यूँ अनजाना सा लगता हो

काश कभी ऐसा हो

भीगे पंची सा वो मेरे, दरवाज़े पे आ खड़ा हो

नरम-नरम हवा के झोंके, बालों को सहलाते हो

कप-कंपाते भीगे होंठ और 'मासूम' सा चेहरा हो

दरवाज़ा खोल देखूं तो, वो लम्हा रुक सा जाता हो

काश कभी ऐसा हो

बारिश की पहली साँसों में, मिटटी की अंगडाई हो

मौसम के फूलों की, खुशबू कहीं से आती हो

टिप-टिप की आवाज़ ख़ामोशी को, गहरा-गहरा कर जाती हो

सन्नाटे-सनते हम दोनों, बेसुध हो कर बैठें हो

काश कभी ऐसा हो

Kash Kabhi Aisa Ho Jaye

Rim-Jhim Rim-Jhim Baarish Ho, Thandi Hawa Ke Jhonke Ho

Dheema-Dheema Sa Prakash Aur Haryaali Ke Chehre Ho

Kash Kabhi Aisa Ho

Garam Shaul Mein Lipta Sa, Haath Mein Garam Pyala Ho

Khidki Ke Ek Kone Se, Door Kahin Kuch Dikhta Ho

Sehma Sa Paani Mein Chalke, Paas Koi Aata Ho

Aur Har Guzarta Pal Yun, Anjaana Sa Lagta Ho

Kash Kabhi Aisa Ho

Bheege Panchi Sa Vo Mere, Darwaaze Pe Aa Khada Ho

Naram-Naram Hawa Ke Jhonke, Baalon Ko Sehlaate Ho

Kap-Kanpaate Bheege Hothon Aur 'MasooM' Sa Chehra Ho

Darwaaza Khol Dekhoon To, Wo Lamha Ruk Sa Jaata Ho

Kash Kabhi Aisa Ho

Baarish Ki Pehli Saanson Mein, Mitti Ki Angdaayi Ho

Mausam Ke Pehle Phoolon Ki, Khooshbu Kahin Se Aati Ho

Tip-Tip Ki Aawaz Khamoshi Ko, Gehra-Gehra Kar Jaati Ho

San_naate Sante Ham Dono, Besudh Hoker Betho Ho

Kash Kabhi Aisa Ho

Are you chivalrous?

Once, a man opened the door for a woman. She, being women's-libber kind of a person said rather aggressively, "Did you open the door for me because I'm a lady?" "NO," replied the man, "I opened the door because I am a gentleman.”

We are social beings and the little things we do for others or that others do for us - the thank yous, the pleases - its sweet, it need not to be looked at with suspicion & need not clash with our ‘I am independent' thinking. I for example am a chivalrous kind of guy. No I am not self-praising but I really do like to help others. In a bus I get up when I see an elderly man / woman or pregnant lady needing a seat. I think if I'm young, fit and healthy, I don't need to sit down - therefore I see no reason why I shouldn't offer my seat to someone who needs it more than me.
One time (I was a kid, probably in 1^st/2^nd class) we were going to our home town (Himachal) by bus. We (my family) all got our seats but after a while bus got crowded and there was a lady standing with her baby. So my dad offered her his seat. I thought it was a gentlemanly thing and it made me respect him even more.

But good manners are lost somewhere these days. Small courtesies are extinct. I guess, it's a part of evolution. But evolution should make things better than before, right? I have seen men sitting in a bus while some lady/ elderly man is standing. I mean how would it look if a man jumps into the elevator ahead of a woman? Or an elderly man is carrying heavy bags and a man can’t even open the doors. I can never do this. I don’t care if my friends see this as a cheap trick to impress a girl because this is who I am and this is what I like to do.

I've opened the doors for girls, or waited for them to enter the lift first, or let them go ahead first into a room, or pulled the chair, or paid the bill on our first meeting. I’ve even carried a heavy shopping bag or stood like a china wall between her & an unruly crowd in a bus or train. I‘ve not done all these things only for the sake of good impression but I’ve come out feeling good about such experience. It feels nice to be a gentleman.

So what I'm trying to say is that:

Chivalry is a simple courtesy. And it’d work both ways: if somebody holds the door open for you say a ‘thank you’ in return. Chivalry & good manners should be in BOTH the genders. Wish the concept was not limited to the things men do for women but extended to include things that people do for ‘others’.

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P.S: Actually I got the idea about this topic from my roomie Jasneet. We were out for dinner at a restaurant. I was carrying a bag and he kept the door open for me. It felt nice to be respected. I said thank you and we shared a smile. J So I guess chivalry can be practiced in the same gender also.

P.P.S: Just remember… be courteous ... and courtesy will follow you everywhere.

Left alone !

So today I woke up with a weird feeling that I am really a ‘loner’ and I am going to remain like this forever. Now why did I feel like this ? Oh! Because of what happened yesterday.

I found my long lost childhood friend, thanks to Facebook. He was my neighbor, classmate and we were friends till 3^rd/4^th class when his father was transferred and he had to move away to a new city. It was nice to be in touch with him again. We started talking about how we were back in those days. He told me a lot of things about what we used to do together, most of which I didn’t remember (I felt bad). I was wondering that he remembered every tiny little detail which made me feel worse.

So we were talking for about half an hour and then as usual there comes a pause (awkward sometimes) in every conversation where you don’t have anything to say and then I don’t know if it’s weird or kind of sweet but out of nowhere he said, “I love you” and I was like …………………..what should I say – I love you too or I like you or ……………... I was out of proper words and so just to make him feel good and to avoid the awkward silence I said “Same here”. I hope that’s not Gayish and my roommates are not reading this because then it will give them another good reason to call me gay (It’s a long story).

Anyways, after that he asked me about my family, I replied and then I said “okay, I gotta go“. I don’t know why I did that. He was being nice to me. Obviously he didn’t mean it in that way (I hope not), but I just shut him down. Now this was not because he is a guy, because there were also two other sweet girls with whom I did the same thing. The first one was my phone-friend who started liking me and after going-on for a while I did the same thing and with the second one, I even dated her for couple of times(Again a long story, some other time ) and I always tried to ignore her.

I don’t know, what is my problem? Why I shut down people when they get close to me. What is this thing/phobia with me?

There are some people who have given big contributions to my life, they are the big pieces of my almost-complete life. I never thought that I would ever realize that they are actually amazing people. And all this time, I never realized that I'd let them go away and yet keep letting another ones go away out of my life, one by one. I have some people whom I never contact anymore. I don’t know where they live, I don't have their facebooks, they have changed their phone numbers, I don't follow their twitter, totally lost them. And today morning, I felt so stupid for letting them disappear from my life. And now I want to change things, I want to try to contact them, I just don't know how.

See, there are some parts of our lives that we are going to lose. People we know are going to disappear and live their own lives without us, without you, without me. Everything is bound to change and so I think that maybe all we need to do is to love people we have in our lives right now, people who still say ‘hey’ to us, even though not every day, people who still smile at us when we see each other, people who still care about us and say “I love you”. Maybe all we have to do is to tell them back that we love them too and we don’t want them to disappear from our lives, because we don’t want to regret for being so stupid to lose them, because we don’t want to miss them terribly, because we don’t want to wake up in the morning, feeling left alone.

Ramblings