The Dark Hours

Hell no!! Not again. It’s well past midnight and yet sleep continues to elude me. All I can do is lie awake restlessly on bed. My roomies are comfortably asleep and I wonder why I can’t. Tick-Tock tick-tock. The clock ticks like it’s mocking me and time passes by me as I continuously turn sides on my bed. And then there comes the train of thoughts. The race from one thought to another never seems to stop.

Sometimes it’s so much chaos inside me that I just want to get out of my mind. I wonder how it must feel to be free from all these thoughts, to be free from why, what, when and how; to keep distance from all this crap that creeps into my mind. Many a times these thoughts turn rampant, raising stupendous sandstorms that seem to roll me upside down from within. I can’t even close my eyes because I am afraid that I might get lost in the clash of these thoughts. I wish there were some kind of STOP button for this. Life would be bed of roses!!!

But you can’t do anything about it. The more you keep running away from it, the more it irritates you. You can just be a mere spectator of these thoughts; the thoughts which are always either about past (regretting about it) or future (worrying about it). Your heart wants to cry out loud. It wants to break out of the moth that has wrapped it completely. You want this anarchy to stop.

So desperately I plug in the headphone and turn on some hardcore metal songs, just to outdo the thoughts (give me a fucking break man!!). The song plays. My subconscious mind chants the lyrics. But damn it!! The thoughts won’t go away.

Sometimes it suffocates. I feel the stiffness. I feel as if I am packed inside like sardines. I won’t be able to withstand it for long. I feel like running away from the room. Run away from my fucking life!! I want to break free far away from all this agitation, this restlessness. Does that mean I need to commit suicide? No way!! That would cause more problem than solve any.

One must be thinking one can easily escape, that one can throw out these thoughts just like thrash from the Recycle Bin. One click and it’s gone!!! But my friend Life on the contrary is not that simple. Whatever you try to do, wherever you try to escape; it comes back to you and sits on the most highlighted area of your conscience. One moment it’s all gone and you think it’s all over, but one second later as you turn around it surprises you with it’s even more wraithlike image. 

You start trembling and are scared of this pitfall where you are tossed. And in these darkest hours of yours, all you are left with is a shudder, numbness & a dark blank unknown place where you wish you had never fallen to!!!

So you decide to fight back. You want to get out of this trap. But the Catch-22 is that it’s your own mind; your own mind has entrapped you. You have to fight with a part of yourself. So you fight anyway and you fight like a bull, but alas! There comes the moment when there is not enough fight left in you.

You feel weak and broken. You just want to lean on someone. Someone who can hold you, hug you; someone who will tell you that it’s all going to be okay while caressing your hairs as you lay your head on those heartening shoulders. Someone who will make you laugh with some silly jokes when tears start to roll down your face. But there’s no one here. You are all alone walking along a never ending road.

So you turn your face into the wind, hoping with everything inside you that it will not only blow any trace of the tears from your face, but blow away this feeling of restlessness… blow away the feelings and emotions that caused those tears to be there in the first place.

Unfortunately, the pain inside you overrides the strength of the winds and all you are left with is more tears. More tears and the knowledge that there’s no one to wipe your tears. It’s only you and your loneliness. So you force a smile on your face and just like that you walk away from everything but the restlessness.

"Khush Dikhta Hoon Main Agar , To In Alfaazon Mein Ye Dard Kaisa
Chup-Chaap Rehta Hoon Main Agar, To Ye Dil Mein Macha Shor Kaisa“